I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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