lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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