I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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