Already got asked if we're dating
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
