WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
I wish there were birth control emojis
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
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