dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
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