This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
