well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
