her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Randomize
