I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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