No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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