very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
Randomize