We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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