my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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