My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
