his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Randomize
