I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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