i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
