I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
