Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
