What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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