took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
