life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
