I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
