I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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