I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
