so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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