I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
