so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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