I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
