I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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