He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
