I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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