you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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