Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
