yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
