if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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