Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
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