Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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