please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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