how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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