once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
