i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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