My cat gives me a boner
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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