So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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