Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
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