I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
