I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
