You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
