my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
