im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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