new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
