I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
