Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Randomize
