You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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