So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
He better not be in your backpack
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
