...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
