She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
