a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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