I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
