if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
