Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize