if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Couch. On fire.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
