i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
