Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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