come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
